I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
