i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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