dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
