you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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