It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
