i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
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