I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
