Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
