This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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