i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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