New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
