Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
