Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
