I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
