Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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