put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
