Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
