Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
