imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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