I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
