I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
how drunk are you?
Several
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
