we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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