im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
