The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
