i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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