Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
