I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Randomize
