my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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