It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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