While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
