Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
