is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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