i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
