Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
