Just fell off a train. Bad.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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