My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
