There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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