Need sex. Gaining weight.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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