My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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