new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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