I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
