woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
