he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
