my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
