you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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