Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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