i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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