I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
