even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize