I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
