There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
