What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
