The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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