Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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