Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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