so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My dick has a subreddit
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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