Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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