and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
