sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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