she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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