Your face is a jimmy john
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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