he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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