I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
